Time to lighten up

[AreliusIV]

http://www.footyclips.com/mov/soccer_bloopers_200602.html

[AreliusIV]

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his
neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several
times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what
the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now
I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT
was, 'Of course I do.'"



At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window
seats for her and her husband.

The ticket agent pointed out that this would prevent them from
sitting together.

The woman patted the the agent's hand. "Yes, I know, sweetie. I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man."

[prk166]

oh my 😲

[prk166]

This 3-year-old boy crawled through the toy discharge chute in the Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Austin, Minn. and got stuck amid all the toys.

[AreliusIV]

Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

* It's okay... I'm still billing the client.

* They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

* This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about
in the last time management course you sent me to.

* Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

* I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

* I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people
who practice Yoga?

* Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.

* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear
off!

* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!

[AreliusIV]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're
in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge
of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you
sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You
said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared
and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The
Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese
guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of
sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs
out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!"

[montgjules]

Am I the only one reminded of UHF (the movie) when I hear that joke? If so, it is a sad, sad day...

"Spatula city! Spatula city!"

[AreliusIV]

A brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

"comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it
Very slowly...........Com-for-DA-bull




Q: What's stranger than seeing a catfish?

A: Seeing a goldfish bowl.


Q: What is it called when the letters A,E,I,O, and U walk
across the street?

A: A Vowel Movement.





A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a
divorce. He is taking all of her background
information and asks her, "Do you have grounds
for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you
up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until
7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady,
tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have
a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and
asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want
a divorce?"

"Because 'he' can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

[AreliusIV]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.





Late one Friday night a policeman spotted Henry driving very erratically through
the streets.

He pulled Henry over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Yes, I have.

Since it's Friday, my buddies and I stopped by the local watering hole where I
had seven or eight pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and
they served these Blue Moon Tequila Zappers which are quite good. I had four or
five of those.

Then I had to drive my friend Jimmy home and of course I had to go in for a
couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to
get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of gin, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, Henry said, "Why? Don't ya believe me?"




A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he
was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country
club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to
see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man
stepped out from behind some bushes and growled,
"What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."

"Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie.
"I have a 27 handicap."



A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine
muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't
have much of a future, either. You're going to be
replaced by a much better looking button."

"What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked.

The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front
of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".






Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, "I got a
cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."

"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.

"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with
the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...'"







A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one
from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he
would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into
battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.

The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not
unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with
it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the
Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."





On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen
Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a
button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer
for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was
not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of
staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the
answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the
answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked
them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of
them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what
he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary
of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can
you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not
your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I
think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin
Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair !!...





Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.

Jesus said love is everything.

Marx said capital is everything.

Freud said sex is everything.

Einstein said everything is relative






After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair,
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to your gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."





Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.
He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated,
around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole
and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the
door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights
out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior.
The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home?
Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home
with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating
him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.
She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his
shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while,
she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"




It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.
So I tied her up and went fishing.






A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and
notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[AreliusIV]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.