Time to lighten up

[montgjules]

Several laughs and a few groans later... thanks for the laughs!

[prk166]

nuns with guns always gets a chuckle out of me

[AreliusIV]

Mike meets Ed at the bar for a drink after work. Mike
really looks down in the dumps.

Ed asks, "Why the long face? Bad day at work?"

"Yeah," replies Mike. "You know sometimes I wish I
worked for the Pope instead of my boss."

"Why is that," asks Ed.

Mike sighs and says, "Cause then I would only have to
kiss his ring."



While waiting for the presidential press conference to
begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in
a corner.

"So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest
joke about President Bush?"

The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you
tell it, I must inform you that I work for the White
House."

"Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter.
"I'll tell it slowly for you then."




[White House Chief of Staff] Andrew Card resigned. I know what
you're thinking: Who would leave a dream job like that? Finally
somebody in the White House has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)



The president does not like change in his personnel. He likes to
keep the same people. I think he got this from having the same
third grade teacher year after year. (Jay Leno)



My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it,
but I could tell he was thinking it.





Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod
and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The
first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was
married to her for 40 years."





Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in
woman's sink.



Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.



Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.

[RSL_Fan]

Call me nuts, but I took my two boys and three of their friends to a Utah Jazz game about a month ago.

Anyway...one of the boys who is about 9-yrs. old, was a VERY loud kid. We were nearing the end of the game when there was a foul called against a Jazz player.

He started yelling, "You refs suck! You are the worst refs in the whole world! You suck worse than.....(long pause)

You suck worse than a soccer ref!"


I couldn't help but laugh...

[AreliusIV]

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure, of course you can," and shut the door.



Things to Ponder...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If a parsley famer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?






Words with Two Meanings...


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with
the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this
one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male
bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male......Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male......A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes







SIGNS YOU'RE AN OVERWEIGHT COP

- You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.
- You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage.
- The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.
- Instead of yelling "Freeze!" you yell "Fritos!"
- Even a patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30
mph.
- You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.
- You take the phrase, "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.
- Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get
you
out of your squad car.
- Your bum is known as the fourth precinct.
- You're frequently used as a roadblock.







A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"





Thoughts to ruminate on

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

[JasonMa]

Originally Posted by AreliusIV

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Ouch, that one hurt...

[Aero]

Originally Posted by JasonMa

Ouch, that one hurt...

You actually got it?
:jawdrop:

[JasonMa]

Remember I'm a rocket science 😉

[montgjules]

Originally Posted by JasonMa

Remember I'm a rocket science 😉

And yet you STILL support Colorado? I'm wondering if they're handling out those degrees a bit too liberally lately.... 😉

[JasonMa]

Originally Posted by montgjules

And yet you STILL support Colorado? I'm wondering if they're handling out those degrees a bit too liberally lately.... 😉

Touche, here you go: 🕺